Thanks to everyone for such amazing feedback on my blog post from last week. If you didn't get to read it, it can be located at the link below. Please have a read if fear is something you have ever struggled with.
http://hopeimages.fotomerchant.com/blog/the-f-word
While I was writing last weeks blog post, it got me thinking about another F word, one that is common to all of us, one that all of us fear and one that in some way or another influences our decision making. That word is failure.
When thinking about failure, the first point I want to make is that there is a really clear distinction between failing at something or having something not work out the way you thought it would. A mistake, setback or failure in your life does NOT make you a failure. So often, we get into this mindset of 'well that didn't work, I am a failure' or 'I didn't get that right, I am a failure'. That mindset brings with it shame and shame leads to insecurity and a lack of courage to try again. Identifying yourself as a failure is a surefire way to set yourself up to never take a risk, try something new, or step out in faith that something amazing is waiting just around the corner. Your attempt may have not worked out, but YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
For those of you who don't know me who might be thinking, 'well it's alright for you, you have had probably had a charmed life'. I can tell you that is not the case, I let failure and the fear of failure stop me from moving forward for such a long time. My first marriage ended in divorce and the temptation was to hide in a dark place and never ever take a chance to trust again, it would have been so easy to just live my life with my daughter getting on with just doing the day to day things and deciding that I am a failure because my marriage didn't work. I am married again now and we celebrate our ten year anniversary next year. I can tell you from experience, trying again, picking yourself up, deciding that you are NOT a failure is not easy, we walk through it together daily and I still have moments when my mind set slips back to 'I am a failure, I can never make a second marriage work'. All the baggage we bring and the blending of families and all the stuff just makes it hard sometimes. That doesn't mean that I want to give up, it means I need to stand up, say a prayer or two and get my focus back where it needs to be, on the fact that I can do this, we are doing this and God made me just the way I am. I have weaknesses and moments where I fail but I am NOT a failure.
A couple of well known quotes from Thomas Eddison that I really love are:
“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time"
What an amazing way to look at it. He just found 10,000 ways that didn't work. The amount of times that I have tried something and tried something, be it photography, study, general life or relationships and after a few failures been tempted to give up actually is quite astounding when I really sit down and think it through. I try to think now imagine if that breakthrough is just around the corner and I gave up. Imagine if I didn't try that shot one more time, then I wouldn't have achieved the result that I did and I would have walked away from the whole experience viewing it very very differently.
I know one thing for sure, you may not succeed if you give it a go but you definitely won't succeed if you don't try. You definitely won't succeed if you define yourself as a failure and never bother to jump into the great unknown and try something new. You may not succeed if you try ten thousand times and you have to try yet again, but if you call yourself a failure and give up there and then, you will never ever succeed at it. You will always have that in the back of your mind and you would always be wondering if you could actually have done it if you kept going. When doing my Diploma last year, it got so incredibly tough, the third term was a nightmare and I had a medical issue at the end of it which meant I couldn't drive for three months. We live in the Barossa, Tafe was at Tea Tree Gully and work at the time was at Direk. I can't even explain to you how tempting it was to give up- was the medical issue my fault? Actually it was, I missed a tablet for the first time in five years, I could have decided that I was a failure, I wasn't even supposed to be doing the course, I was giving up and it was all too hard....which to be honest I did for a little while. It is the BUT THEN that matters in your story, my story, and everyone's story. Something happens, what do you do? In my case, I spat the dummy, got frustrated and then I knuckled down, reached out to family and friends and managed to get through it with no car and lots of help. We don't have to do it on our own, don't give up, keep going. There is always a way, sometimes we just haven't thought of it yet.
Life is hard, it is difficult, and, unfortunately, that involves a few failures along the way. It is the way that we think about these screw ups, failures, mistakes that often dictates the outcome now. Imagine if we could view a failure, or a mistake, or something that didn't work out as a lesson. I learn far more when I have to try something a few times, than I do if I nail it first shot. When studying my Diploma last year, the shots that were the hardest work, the shots that required the most reshooting, the shots that needed the most research and practice were the best shots I did for the whole Diploma. The shots that I nailed first try were good, but they weren't amazing and I didn't learn much from them except that every now and then I can fluke it.
We treat failure as such a negative thing. We attach such negative connotations and like my other F word, fear, we let it define our decision making sometimes and it isn't healthy. I am by nature a perfectionist, and I actually have over my life tended to procrastinate rather than not get it right or perfect. I used to give up really quickly if I didn't succeed at something or achieve something first time. The dictionary definition of the word failure is below:
www.dictionary.com/browse/failure
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success:
It just means we didn't succeed the first time. If that happens, I find the best option is that when the dust has settled and the emotion is a little less fresh, I sit down and work out why? What did I do that contributed to it not working? What did I not do that contributed to it? If I had a do over what would I do differently? What did I learn from the situation? Was this failure or lack of success even in my control? What am I actually saying to myself in my head about this situation? Do I need to rethink the way I am viewing it in my head? If I can't change the situation or try it again, what can I learn to apply it to a similar situation in the future?
Thanks for having a read. Remember you are NOT a failure and you are distinctly different from the situation you may be going through. Even if you made some errors that led to a certain place in your life, that still does NOT make you a failure. It means there are things you can learn and things you can do differently, but you are an awesome, amazing, talented, creative person. If you struggle with feeling like failure, I would encourage you to find someone to talk to about it. Sometimes things are so much better when they don't live in our heads any more. I have had many instances over the course of my life where I have spoken with a friend, family member, God, Pastor, or counsellor just to get some perspective on a situation. You don't always see it clearly when you are living it.