Who am I? It is a question that I have fought with for a long time. Who am I actually when I get right down to the foundation of me, who am I? Who are you? Do you wonder? I tried for a long time to be who I thought people wanted me to be. I struggle with perfectionism and the ability to see myself how God sees me, to realise that if someone doesn't approve of something that I have done or someone doesn't like me, that doesn't make me less of a person and it shouldn't affect my self value. I have blogged about this before, but it is such an overwhelming issue for so many people, I feel it is something that needs to be discussed.
Who Am I Trying to Please?
I have discovered something about trying to please people - it leads to a crazy cycle, where I try to be everything for everyone, I succeed in making some people really happy and failing others completely. This leads to an endless cycle of basically feeling like I am just not good enough. I have learnt I can't please everyone and often when people are not happy it has nothing to do with me at all. If I try to please everyone, I end up getting my self esteem from other people. If they are happy with me, then I feel good about myself, and if they aren't affirming me, then I am miserable and feel horrible about myself. Your value comes from God's love for you. He loves you just as you are, warts and all.
Who Am I?
Who am I? I am many things and I have realised that I have to embrace who I am. This means recognising that I am not perfect and accepting that I screw up sometimes. I still struggle with that one. It means accepting that I have a personality type that is so incredibly frustrating. I am both an organised perfectionist and a scatterbrain at the same time, I am introverted yet social. I feel like I am one big contradiction. I recently completed a Briggs Meyer personality test and discovered that I am a defender. It has helped me to understand myself really well and it was one of the most accurate tests I have done. One of the best ways to really accept who you are, is to get to know you. Start to understand yourself and why you do the things you do. It doesn't mean that you can't still work on your weaknesses and your frustrations - it gives you the tools to actually start to realise that who you are is unique and amazing. The link for the test I did is below, it really is fascinating to actually read through it and realise not only the things you can work on, but the things that really make you tick and maybe strengths you didn't even realise that you had.
What if I Screw Up?
What if I screw up? What is the absolute worst that can happen? I have included this in my blog posts before, but it is something that I am really passionate about. The worst thing that could happen is that you let your fear of failure, getting it wrong, or rejection be the overriding voice in your head. The worst thing that could happen is that you live your life full of fear, trapped by regrets over the things you didn't do in case you would stuff them up. I have some shocking failures in my past. But I also have moments where fear has held me back that have changed the course of my life in ways that have taken years to overcome. My failures, the experiences that didn't turn out quite the way I thought they would, they are moments that I can look back on and think well, at least I had a crack. I may have screwed it up, but the lessons that have come from each experience have made me who I am today. The failures may have stung at the time and some of them are still bittersweet, but they don't sting anywhere near as much as the 'I wish I had trusted God enough to take that leap' moments.
It is worth getting to know yourself, accept who you are, and believe that you are worth it. You are worth taking time for, you are worth listening to, and you are worth loving. You are amazing and the world deserves to get to know who you are - the real you, not the you who you might show everyone. Don't hold yourself back, you never know what kind of difference you can make if you just believe in you.